Exposure

No picture with this one. I have been trying to figure out just how to put this into words. Nothing is wrong - so please don't panic. This is about weight loss, health, and body image.

Count your blessings that you were not here on Thursday night. Why? Because I was frustrated and irritable after BootCamp. I have been open about the entire journey to regain my health and this is no different. The reason for the frustration, my full length mirror.

It was goal assessment time. The assignment - assess how you have done on the goals we already set and really study your body and performance in order to set a new goal structure.

I have been successful. Mile time down, more sit ups, more push ups, stronger every workout. Making pretty good decisions about food. Lost 37 pounds. Down from a size 20 to a 16 and some 14's. Sounds great.

Standing in front of the mirror, instead of seeing all of that, I was suddenly overwhelmed with how much more I had to go. All I could see was the fat legs, the roll of flab still across my stomach, the batwings that I have on the back of my arms, the muffin top around my hips. I cried. I cussed. I was completey unprepared for my reaction. In other words, my demons woke up.

And that has been bothering me. I try so hard to be upbeat. It is unbelievable how much progress I have made. My clothes fit better. I feel better. I am stronger. More fit. I couldn't believe the sudden feeling of depression and almost desperation that I was facing.

So I gave myself the time to deal with this -- I gave myself two hours to have a pity party. No food allowed though. I drank a margarita and sat on my fairly large sized A&& and watched really bad tv. Then after the allotted time, I went to my closet. I tried on skirts that used to be too small and some that are still a little tight. I tried on my favorite blue pants. Then I set new goals.

I can fasten the pants - new goal - WEAR THEM COMFORTABLY.

I can do 15 standard pushups - new goal - 25 STANDARD PUSHUPS

I can easily do 25 situps - new goal - 50 SITUPS

My new mile time goal 11 minutes 30 seconds.

Food goals - make more good decisions than bad ones.

Notice - not one weight goal. During the pity party, I reaquainted myself with the idea that the number on the scale is not the important number. The weight loss is occurring, but is not the primary goal. Being fit and healthy is the goal. Making good food choices is the goal. Relearning to make good choices in my habits is the goal.

Why did I share this? Because the frustrations occur for everyone. Because the mirror feels unfriendly to eveyone at times. Because it seems like you will never make it at times. Because steps backwards happen. Because chocolate or bread or soda or potato chips will sometimes win. Because Because Because.

Mostly because I want you to feel normal. I want you to know that because you had a bad day, does not mean you failed. Get up again tomorrow and start again. I want you to know that the next time the mirror may be more friendly feeling.

I can do this. You can do this. We can be healthy again.

On last goal that I did not state because it scares me. I want to run a 5k this spring. Why -- not a clue -- I hate running -- but it seems like a challenge and I do like a challenge.

You guys are so encouraging. I hope you are not bored with the weight loss stuff. MaggieGrace is about my life and this is a fairly large and important part of it right now. I really do want to be encouraging to you.

Have a wonderful weekend.